My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
