The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
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I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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