If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
