I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
