belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
