everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
