Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
