lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
