genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
