I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
