yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
