Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
