Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
