I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
