I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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