Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
