Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
