Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
