when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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