my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
