Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
