Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
