I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
