Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
