Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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