I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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