sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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