my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
