yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
