I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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