Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
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Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
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I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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