If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
