Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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