I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
