I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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