I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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