She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
