Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
