Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
