how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
