I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
