It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
