Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
