My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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