Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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