While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
