when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
