NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
