Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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