I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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