I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
