Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
