i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
