So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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