i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
