We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
