I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
