dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
