I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
