I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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